Date Night FAIL

Writing this on my phone after a 3am feed...

While I was pregnant, everyone kept telling me that Josh and I needed to be sure we got out of house and away from Jacy for a date night as soon as possible. Josh and I had talked about this advice and decided it was a good idea. We know that we need to nurture our relationship as husband and wife and not just co-parents. So when we heard about a movie with free child care being offered at our church we took them up on that. We also decided to so dinner with Jacy before the flick.

During dinner, even though Jacy was there, Josh and I had great conversation. We were laughing and talking about all kinds of things it felt really good to have this time with my very best friend. It was so sweet how we took turns tending to Jacy's needs but never stopped talking or enjoying each other. I remember thinking, if the date is this great with Jacy here, going to the movie and discussion (people from the film were doing q&a after) without Jacy is going to be awesome.

When we got to church we were cutting it close to start time, so we took Jacy to the nursery right away to drop her off. it was fun talking with her and Josh about how she was going to "go party with her new friends" and to print out her first little name tag. There were a ton of people in the nursery dropping off their babies so I felt a little worried. By the time I had walked a few feet I was feeling pretty sick. I kind of started to get teary eyed but Josh put his arm around me and told me she would be fine. From that point on I could not think of anything but Jacy. I could not talk about anything but Jacy. I didn't understand how we could have had such a great dinner where we could enjoy each-others company to the mess we were in. I was sitting there trying to enjoy the movie and my husband. I kept telling myself to knock it off, but I just couldn't.

An hour into the movie I had to go feed Jacy, and to be honest I could not get there quick enough. When I got to her, she was a bucket of tears and was being consoled by a very sweet girl who was just getting ready to call me. I fed Jacy and put her in one of the swings then went back to the movie for the discussion. Again, all I was thinking of was Jacy and what if she was hungry or crying again. At the end of the discussion I could not get to her fast enough. We when we got to the nursery she was the last one in there. She was being rocked by the same sweet girl. At first I was relieved but then I saw her binky in her mouth and the girl told us she was getting very fussy. I knew she was hungry. I was so mad that I didn't just take her back to the movie so I could feed her when she needed it. I just felt so guilty about not being there when she needed me, which made me feel guilty for not enjoying my time with Josh. I started crying as soon as I got back to the car. Jacy started screaming because she was hungry and I felt that I had ruined our date by flipping out.

I worry a lot that I am not giving Josh the love and attention he needs. I worry a lot that our marriage is going to get "all jacked up" because I can't quit caring for Jacy. I worry a lot I guess.

When we got home I feed the kid forever and put her to bed. I still could not stop feeling guilty about ruining date night with all my worry and crying. I decided to go to bed myself. I was reading before bed and the topic of marriage was the very next chapter in the book I am reading. In the beginning it was highlighting the fact that nurturing your marriage and tending to your spouse's needs is very important. I started to feel sick again for being a failure as a wife. But as I continued reading, it began talking about how our culture, especially in some Christian circles, places a lot of value on leaving your kids out of the loving and nurturing of your marriage. And while this can work well for a lot of families to have set times kid free, it is not a one size fits all solution to making time for your spouse. It also talked about how our culture views children as our enemies who are are constantly trying to drive a wedge between us and our spouse. What a sad thought to think that you cannot allow your child to see you talking and growing closer to your spouse.

I felt much more peaceful knowing I was my the only person in the world who felt this way and fell asleep reading before I got to alternative ways to nurture your marriage baby-sitter free. I think I was tired from all the emotions of the night. I always try to think that the good news is that we get a chance to try it again. Man this is tricky.